through these glasses

fair-liscious

Dear Friends and Family,

I hereby tender my resignation as a responsible, well-rounded adult, at least for the next 12 days. If you need me between now and Labor Day, you can find me at the Minnesota State Fair, indulging in kitschy americana. Be forewarned that during this time, I may spontaneously volunteer fair-related tidbits instead of sticking to the conversation at hand. And while I won’t be engaged in any elephant vs donkey debates, I will enthusiastically discuss the merits of corn dog vs. pronto pup, commiserate on the loss of the good ol’ days when porky’s pork chop on a stick was worthy of a special trip all on its own (unless proven otherwise, the current crop of chops on sticks are a pale imitation), or guide you to the best caramel apple in a bowl (on-a-stick versions need not apply). I can tell you when to go if you’re interested in seeing the briefly appearing 4-H rabbits, where to go if you’ve never seen real live lumberjacks compete, or how to go if you don’t want to pay for parking. Also, I can wax poetic on why the giant slide is not only cool, but the holy grail of entrepreneurial ideas.

This year I’m most looking forward to meeting a photographer (fair book to have her sign and website portfolio to drool over) who seriously rocks and seeing the new International Bazaar.

And yes, I already went this morning. My hour long morning walk may have been adjusted to take me inside the confines of the fairgrounds for breakfast. (mmmm, malted belgian waffle and an orange dream soda shake).

yours til cheese curds,
me

pinch hitting from the afterlife

So I've been poking and prodding at my big idea to make sure it's for me and not for him. I'm increasingly confident that it is, in fact, something I want to do. for me. to once and for all explore the question I started asking at age five, and have in one form or another, voiced each and every time I've returned from the motherland: "but why do we have to go home?! I like it here better!"

But as I'm warming up to the idea of taking the idea out from between my ears and actually acting on it, I've gotten stalled. I am much more reaction than action. Have a long history, in fact of reacting. I knew I didn't want to be married, but it wasn't until he said the words, walked out the door, that I reacted and made it happen. I didn't want to be at my old job anymore. hadn't wanted to be there for years, in fact, but it wasn't until I had that fateful lunch where I was pitched the idea of going freelance that I did anything about it. and only then because I didn't have a choice.

I react spectacularly -- just don't make me make the first move. Is it a latent cinderella gene, rearing it's ugly head? a kind of girls are swept off their feet and shouldn't ever make the first move thing? or is it just that i don't like change, and this would be a colossal change?

Either way, I find myself really missing a dear friend who died years ago, but all too soon. A sparkplug who jammed more into 36 years than most people do into a lifetime, she was the bravest, fly by the seat of her pants in a controlled, unchaotic way person I’ve known. I feel cheated out of the advice she’d give. I’ve gotten loads of good “go for it" and "if not now, when?" advice from all sides in the month since i've been back. But she actually picked up her life and moved it to denmark (twice! not to mention picking up and moving to new orleans. and north carolina. and then back to minneapolis). I’d really like her to give me a list of what to do and how to start. The devil is in the details.

I've been trying to channel her by sitting down with a cup of tea and a pad of paper to start a list. All action starts with a good plan, and you can't make a good plan until you start brainstorming the steps.  Still, I'd really would like it if she'd had an understudy, someone who could try to pinch hit in these situations...

and just then, my email beeps and I have this from my childhood partner in crime:

Stop.

"List of things to...."

THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE!!!!! IN A NICE LITTLE NUTSHELL !!!!!

(pant, pant, deep cleansing breath....).
Read this 3 times:
Change is the only thing that stays the same.

Read this 5 times:
There is no list, you change-phobic control freak.

All the chaos falls away when you accept the fact that you can wake up and say " I'm going to do what I want today."

Trust me, there is no "flying by any seat of one's pants" if you are scheduling the free for all by your palm pilot. (Put that thing down.)
____________

ok then. maybe we file this under "do. or do not. there is no try."

psychic friends network

While I'm not a particularly new-agey person, I have, from time to time, indulged myself in visiting psychics for guidance. One psychic in particular actually. Right after re-singling, a saw her a number of times.

She was the first person who warned me the wasband was going to be cut throat with regards to "our" money. "He's going to use every possible avenue to get as much as he possibly get. Don't spend energy fighting him. Walk away knowing you can make more money; he can't." (his underemployed by choice, upper middle class, college educated a$$ actually tried to go after spousal maintenance payments after getting half of my porfit sharing account in return for nothing. ...yeah, still a bit bitter there. I've yet to find something to mix in with those lemons so they don't make my face pucker in disgust)

She told me years before the downsize of 2007 that I needed to be developing the artistic part of my job, and I should pick up my camera again. (That focus saved me because as they were realizing they coudln't keep me full time, I was realizing I didn't want to be there anymore.)

She called the negativity that came with one of the post-divorce relationships when I was giddy with the possibility of luuuurve. "He's not being honest with you. He isn't in as stable as he seems. He has all of the right words, but they aren't backed with integrity. When he realizes you're on to him, he'll turn on you." (I, of course, didn't listen. As it turned out, there was no boat on White Bear Lake, his house was owned by a limited partnership, and the boys had different moms. which, honestly wouldn't have been a big deal, if he hadn't lied about it for 9 months. When everything came to a head on a trip to Atlanta, he tossed me across a hotel room.

...and a week before I ended up stranded on the side of the road in the middle of winter with a blown tire that was frozen onto the rim, she told me to have my tires looked at. Oh, and to stop eating peanuts because that what was causing the stomaches I hadn't told her about. (after the tire incident, I promptly stopped eating peanuts.)

So when I saw her on Friday, I was understandably curious to hear what she'd say about the new boy, the different paths (and countries) I seem to be simultaneously straddling. She told me (again) that I should have been a lawyer because I can see all sides of any issue and argue it to death. Also, to stop focusing on the negatives. And then she asked what I was waiting for.

"What do you mean?

"You want to move. Why are you stalling? You're thinking of it as scary change when you need to be focusing on it as an adventure. Besides, he won't truly consider the possibility of the two of you together unless you move yourself there first."

It's very unnerving having a conversation like this. It could seem perfectly ordinary -- aside from the spooky knowing things she couldn't possibly know bit -- she has a no nonsenseness about her that I would seek out in a confidant.

I had just said I was at a crossroads of sorts and looking for some insight. She started right in asking who he was and why he was so far away, continued through the whole soul mates thing (which part of me was overjoyed to hear. Another part of me rolled her eyes and made the very mature finger/mouth gag motion before stomping outside to paint her fingernails black) and touched on scary things like marriage and offspring before leaving me with "If not now, when?"

oh, and she told me to send him carrot cake cupcakes.

"Cupcakes?"

"Cupcakes. Definitely. and they must be carrot cake."

(do I even need to add that a friend's wife baked/brought his favorite cake for his birthday this year and it was of the carrot variety?)

"Seriously? Shouldn't I be hanging back and playing it more "cool" if he's freaking out about the whole thing?"

"Who told you that? Wait. Before you answer, are they people whose relationships you'd want to model? If the answer isn't yes, you shouldn't be valuing their opinion more than your own."

psychic or not, those are powerful wise words.

having faith

I'm realizing I may not have enough faith. faith in the universe. faith in me. faith in him. faith in chemistry. faith in love....

distance plays tricks. it feels like i'm waking up from a dream and instead of being able to capture the beautiful picture of what i just saw in my mind's eye, it's turning to mist and evaporating. more mirage than oasis....

i'll get out of bed soon, and as i eat breakfast and brush my teeth, the dream will fade. and life will return to normal.

but it's left a mark on me. normal isn't feeling like enough anymore...